COVID & Relationships: How To Make It Work
Source: https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/04/14/tips-for-couples-on-how-to-weather-covid-19-cabin-fever/
Relationships are hard enough without a pandemic, yet here we are in the midst of COVID. Some of you are sheltering in place with your partner and some of you are sheltering in place without your partner(s). While you may feel one scenario is better than the other, I'm here to tell you neither one of them are all that rosy. Whether you’re in a relationship or not you're not allowed to leave your space in the way that you normally would, to do the things that you do for yourself or the things that help replenish your relationships.
One thing that I have been remiss to talk about during this entire pandemic is that there seems to be such a beautiful focus on the physical health and safety of everyone, and I'm not saying that that's not an important thing to strive for, but somewhere in there the sexual and mental health components get lost. No one seems to be checking for them. We're not talking about them. We're not doing everything that we can to make sure that we're not just keeping our bodies safe, but also to make sure that we're keeping our minds and emotions safe. This has been rather problematic for me for multiple reasons with the main one being that I'm wondering how people are going to come out of quarantine when their mental health has not been taken into account.
So let's talk about the relationships while quarainted because this impacts the mental, the physical, and sexual health. (And that's what this post really is about.).
Quarantined While Single
The challenge with being single is that it can be so much harder to try and meet someone while being quarantined or to be quarantined by yourself and not necessarily be in a romantic relationship. So, one of my suggestions and something I've seen more people doing a great of, is dating online. I mean if now is not the time to shoot your shot, then when is?
People are more responsive than they have ever been because they're not as preoccupied and if you are in the space where you do want to date, I think that there is so much to be gained by trying out a few online apps.
Now granted you can't meet the person out in public because, you don't know if they got that VID and they're going to give it to you. But, being able to talk to somebody, to engage with them, to get to know them ,and their social media (because sometimes the social media tells a story that their lips will ) is a great way to start engaging and dating. Don't be afraid to slide into those DMs and spark a conversation, or doing a video chat.
I know that for those of us who have been known to break out our wallets on first dates, this will also be of a beautiful relief because there is no money needed, unless you want to do something cute like send them some food using Ubereats.
Quarantined Away From Lovers
Now, for my folks who are quarantined away from their lovers, I know that this time is hard for you. We don't really know the next time that we're gonna be able to freely move about the cabin and get to connect physically with the people in our lives, specifically our partners. And I do believe that there has been a gross misunderstanding of how necessary touch is, especially when that touch is loving and caring.
Skin hunger is real but not being acknowledged. So how do you contend with skin hunger when you are quarantined alone? You have to be okay with touching yourself. No, I don't mean masturbation, though, you know I'm never against it either. But I mean touching yourselves like giving yourself a hug, finding a space and a way to give yourself that weight of comfort so you can feel loved, cared for, and touched. There are some ways you can do this when there are no other people around that some people have found to be rather effective. And I'm just going to take this cue from Dr. Zelaika Hepworth Clarke.
Zelaika talks specifically about expanding the concept of what it means to be hugged. She talks about how sitting in the tub with the weight of water can feel hug like. That using a weighted blanket can also add the pressure and feel that we get when we are being hugged and how these are ways that we can imagine a hug when we need one. You can also hug a pillow or wrap yourself tightly in your blankets to contend with the fact that you are not in a space to be touched by someone else.
A Masturbation Moment
Now I know I said this wasn't about masturbation, but let's take it there. This coronacation is a time for bodily exploration, self-love and figuring out how we can give ourselves pleasure should be very much a part of the conversation. Pleasure is great for your mental and sexual health, it is great for how you may be able to connect with others when we are allowed to go back outside. So it should not be taken lightly or as if it's something that doesn't need to be done or something that is wrong to do. During your free time do a little online shopping for those toys you've been considering. For those with penises, pussy pocket is a great way to go or for those with with clitorises and vaginas, I suggest dildos and vibrators, and for anyone with an anus, go ahead and get a butt plug. These things will help to enhance the pleasure that you can give yourself and they should be a part of the repertoire for how you experience pleasure while you are at home.
Quarantined With Partners
For those of us who are quarantined with partners, this shit does not exactly get easier for you.
You may be recognizing that the relationship you thought you had is not the one that you actually have. You may be realizing that your relationship relies a lot on being away from each other and not being not being in a space together constantly. Some people are making erroneous assumptions that just because you don't always want to be laid up under your partner, that something is wrong with your partnership, it's not. The way that we experience our relationships is wholly unique to us, and if you are a person who is currently quarantined with your partner and y'all don't usually spend this much time together, it is a learning curve.It is a different space to be in, and it desires and requires giving yourself and your partner some level of grace. What does that mean?
Grace and practice can look like asking yourself "how can we how can we separate together?" How big is the space that you're in? If you are in a two floor space, can you say, you know, today I must spend my time upstairs? I would like for you to spend your time downstairs so we can have some of that separate togetherness.
My partner and I have taken to not only being on different floors, but when we do want to have some connection that doesn't involve being in each other's physical presence we are using Facetime. Yes, we Facetime even if we're rooms apart! This is so we can play games together, see each other, and laugh while also allowing each other to be in a space of our own. By doing this we can still be connected in a way that I miss when there's some level of apartness.
Taking the time to articulate what it is that you need especially if you don't want to get into the space where you're cussing each other out or having experiences that you really don't want to be having is an important piece to maintaining a healthy relationship.And I think that that piece deserves attention and respect. So what can you do?
1. Check in with YOU
Make sure that you are recognizing what your feelings and emotions are and where you are experiencing them in your body. Sometimes you don't know what the emotion is, but you do know what you are experiencing on your body. I recommend getting this body map, which is done by a therapist aide, grab your coloring pencils, your markers, or whatever implements you use for coloring and shading in the part of the body of what it is you feel when you're happy, sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated.
Whatever emotions come up for you, make sure that you are figuring out exactly where in the body that you're experiencing them. Because sometimes we recognize what's going on in our body before we recognize what's going on emotionally. So being able to connect those emotions to what's going on in our body is essential.
2. Have Your Partner Do the Same
After you've taken the time to connect your mind, emotions, and your body, have your partner do the same. It is hard to have a one sided conversation with someone if they do not understand what is going on with them. Encourage them to do the body map too, so when you come back together, you can both speak to what is key. I would also say this is a great time to go ahead and get a copy of Afro Sexologist's workbook, Solo Sex, because solo sex also gives you a space to be able to map out pleasure in the body so that you can also figure out when you would like to engage that way. Some of the things that we've been doing as individuals can still be done in a space where we are in constant togetherness.
3. Communicate Your Needs
Before communicating your needs, I want you to recognize that your needs may look very different now because being in a pandemic is not always a space where you feel like you have a lot to give to someone else. It might be a moment where you are actually in need of something and being able to articulate to your partner what it is that you want and need while also being able to say that you do or do not have the capacity to do what your partner needs is important. It's okay to ask if you can check in later. I’m sure your partner would be more understanding of you letting them know that you are not in a space to provide what they need rather than ignoring them.
Being quarantined is hard y’all but you definitely can make it through! Sound off below, what is your coronacation looking like and how are you dealing with it regarding your relationships?
