The One about the Red Flags

The illustrious 🚩 emoji. I guess now it’s popular to air them out since the general news media has picked up on it and because social media says it’s ok to “flag” people, situations, and things. But what if I told you that it’s been ok to flag them? That it’s been ok to air out the toxic traits that come across your path, especially by those who claim to love you, (family is NOT exempt!).

October was Domestic Violence awareness month, however, we know that awareness is needed all year round and on an ongoing basis. Before moving forward, if you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out for help. Contact your local authorities, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE (7233)), or seek the help of someone that you trust. If you are unsure but think there is a possibility that you are, keep reading. As you read, consider that if one of these things is present, your relationship at the least may have high levels of toxicity that can either lead to abuse and/or an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Here are 5 red flags that sometimes go unnoticed. On the surface, they appear harmless but the amount of damage that may take place is unparalleled. Take a deep breath. Are you ready? Let’s go. 

🚩 - Too hot, too heavy, too soon. 

If you just met them on Monday a marriage proposal should not be happening on Saturday. Yes, there is such a thing as love at first sight but even those relationships take time to develop. If the number of times that you’ve spoken, types of conversations that have taken place, or in-person experiences do not seem to add up to the possibility of spending a lifetime, take a step back and make every effort to slow things down. (The unwillingness to slow down, is part of this flag as well).

🚩 - Every other relationship that you’ve been informed of has ended horribly.

This one goes undetected because we are sometimes quick to believe that some people are just unlucky in love. And that may be true to a degree but listen intently to these stories. Are the adjectives regarding the other party always words such as “crazy” or “toxic?” Does the person ever admit their part in the relationship ending without placing blame on the other party? In the stories were they consistently done wrong, taken for granted, and misunderstood? Did they love hard and the other person not reciprocate? Somewhere in the story that you’re hearing lies the truth of why things ended, infidelity, is one that is often stated but comes with a “reason” for having taken place, all of course because of the actions of the other party. 

🚩 - You are dealing with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr (Ms) Hyde. 

Have you ever met someone that the most random of things will set them off? One minute you’re having a great time and the next minute the wind blows and all of a sudden a war has broken out? It’s beyond having a bad day. It seems that almost anything causes a complete breakdown, no matter how small it seems or how much you try to avoid it. This one has layers. These are also characteristics that may be displayed by an individual with bipolar disorder. This is NOT a diagnosis. If you would like to know more information, contact a therapist, counselor, and you may also visit the American Psychology Association regarding, Bipolar Disorder.

🚩 - More times than not, their jokes are about you.

Again another one that slides under the radar. Some people just have sarcastic personalities and others are just jokers in general. But when you’re with this person do they seem to bring up uncomfortable topics about your life in the form of a joke? Or “joke” about things that you’re sensitive about such as past failures, your appearance, or a specific family dynamic? Do these jokes often feel like putdowns instead of comedy? If you find yourself shaking your head yes to any of these, this is a huge flag. Within healthy relationships, your partner should seek to build you up instead of tear you down. 

🚩 - Reality is questionable. 

This one takes a few turns. Have you often heard “I want to live life like a movie” or they are constantly comparing themselves and life situations to those of fictional characters? In every situation, they are the main character. They must always come out on top and win in the end by any means necessary, (but they are not talking about Malcolm X or justice in general). It could appear that the person you’re with is always on their own planet. In attempts to further your relationship you find yourself having to explain why things are mannerable, legal, or the course of “normal” behavior. Yes we know normal is subjective, but it becomes beyond clear that this person’s “normal” at times borders on things that may or possibly could be illegal, rude, and insensitive. They just seem to emote negativity until the world conforms to their beliefs.

This list is not exhaustive. One of the most difficult forms of abuse to “prove” but definitely not to feel, is that of emotional abuse. These 5 things take your emotions on a whirlwind. You find yourself dizzy, cloudy in thought, and at times unable to make decisions. In simplest terms, you feel crazy. You know what you see, you know what you know, yet you are in a situation that tells you you should not believe any of those things. If you can and it is safe, it is best that you leave. If leaving is not possible, please contact the hotline or you can contact my office to make an appointment and we can assist you with preparing and being ready to carry out an exit plan. 

Despite what you may be feeling, you are not crazy. You are not alone. There is help here and available. Click here to schedule a Discovery Call with myself or any of the therapists at AnnodRight.