Biggie Vs Tupac: A Lesson in Conversation
I love being a therapist, especially one that works with Black and Brown folk because I love to help my brothers and sisters live their best life! Most days in session I spend a lot of time talking about communication with them. Communication between them and their coworkers, who have shit to say about their hair. Communication with their partners about sex and their relationship. Communication with their kids around having the sex talk.
Communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships and it’s funny how often my clients (and people in general) think they have the best communication skills out there! They believe that it’s top notch and any problems they have can’t be rooted in how they communicate, because they know they are always clear and concise. When in reality they didn't communicate what they were actually trying to say, they just danced around the point, at best they may have brushed up against it. But, at the end of the day the person they were talking to was left confused.
Does this sound like you? Be honest!
If so, I want to be sure you know, YOU HAVE BAD COMMUNICATION SKILLS. When you dance around the point, ramble with irrelevant details, or try to make it nice the person you’re talking to has no fucking clue of what the hell you were trying to say. They walk away not sure what the point of the conversation was, and you walk away convinced that they do. This miscommunication is what leads to expectations not being met, confusion, and unnecessary stress for both of you.
The best advice I have to avoid this, is to lead with your point.
How to Lead with Your Point
It really isn’t that difficult:
Tell people what you want to talk about
Why you want to talk about it
Proceed to actually talk about it
Sum up what you said.
It's the same way they taught us to write paragraphs back when we were in school:
Your first sentence is your summary, the three sentences that come after support the first sentence, and the last sentence states what you just said.
An effective conversation:
Begin the conversation by telling the person what the conversation is going to be about, then you give them a few specific details that support your point, then you wrap it up with a quick summary of what you just said.
The conversation is supposed to be redundant as hell because people don't always listen or get the point immediately. You gotta make sure that they heard you. Despite what you’ve been told, it is your responsibility to make sure they know exactly what you want to say by being CLEAR. You can’t just say a bunch of nothing and get mad when people are still confused. So all that dancing around that you've been doing as far as communication goes is dead. And this is where being a Black therapist comes in handy. When working with Black and Brown clients I like to use Biggie and Tupac as a part of my communication explanation. I often ask “did you have a Tupac conversation or a Biggie conversation?”
Now I'm talking about either one of their lyrical genius, and I'm not talking about their body of music. I'm talking about how people FOREVER, even to this day, swear that Tupac is not dead. But nobody questions that for Biggie. So, that's the kind of conversations I want you to ask yourself if you're having. Are you having Tupac conversation where people aren't sure what the fuck just happened. The kind of conversation that leaves them wondering if it's ended or questioning what the point was. Or are you having Biggie conversations where they know for sure that the shit is dead and they don’t question what your point was.
Let’s look at an example of both, we’ll use breaking up what your partner as the lead point.
Tupac Conversation: "Oh you know, I just don't think this is where I want to be right now. Maybe we can get back together someday, I just need a little space and some time to work on me, but I still want to be friends and we can still talk."
This is a Tupac conversation because you left so many damn doors open, they don't know y'all aren't together, they just think you need a break. They walk away thinking in a few weeks everything will be back to normal.
Biggie Conversation: " I'm no longer interested in being with you. Here are the reasons why, I'm not interested. I no longer enjoy the relationship, it's emotionally toxic, and I don't have the emotional reserve to be in this space with you. I do wish you well and I wish you luck, but we cannot be together.”
You see the difference? The first sentence told you what it was then I gave you supporting reasons on why it has to be the way it is, and then I gave you another summary of what it was. The person knows for sure that the relationship is over and why.
I want you to stop being Tupac and start being a little more, well a lot more, Biggie.
So, let’s start working on your communication! In the comments below share one thing you've been struggling to communicate and let's practice together.
