Navigating Potential When You Live in REALITY!
Transcript of Video….
How does one balance between reality and potential? How do you navigate that space when all you’re trying to do is, you know, be with this person?
This is a question that we answered in, In My Black Feelings.
But first, hey sunshine! I'm Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist in the Washington, D.C. Metro Area, helping Black women feel free, fabulous, and effed—because you know I’m trying to keep it clean as possible!
Anyway, as I was saying, we were having this lovely conversation about that space between between potential and reality. Trying to figure out how do we even begin to navigate that space.
Potential is a wish.
Meaning that potential is a wish if there’s actually no action. It’s not based in truth. While I can appreciate that we have a love of want to do a seeking out of how someone has potential. Potential is beautiful. It's delicious. It's lovely and if' there’s nothing else, that’s all there is. Sometimes knowing is half the battle. If you simply know that this thing is potential that has not been potenched, then I want you to act like it is still potential, not like it is already grounded and seen throughout your reality. So, that's one way, awareness.
It can be nurtured.
It can be nurtured in yourself. It can be nurtured in other people. It is going to require accountability and willingness to do what is required. Now why do I say that? I say that because sometimes we're so caught up in the potential, that we haven't even asked the tough question of whether or not this person wants to be held to account to do the thing that you are talking about. Whether or not you are willing to do the work that it takes to get to the thing that you want. Accountability becomes the name of the game. Potential, again, is just that. Potential, like fruits, vegetables, and anything else that you buy for your house, it can be wasted. Which is to say, that some people just will never realize their potential. Not because that makes them a bad person, an evil person, or a lazy person. Sometimes they don't have the resources to do it. Resources like money, time, and energy. All of these things take something. To reach your potential there is a cost. The cost is in how much time you have to spend. The cost is in how much money you have to give. All of these things are part of the conversation and, quite frankly, I don't know that we're always willing to have THAT part of the conversation. So and this piece, willingness, right? The willingness because sometimes you see potential in someone and you just like,” Dang, they have so much potential. They could do this. They could make this. They could make that.” Yes, they could. Do they want to? That's the question. Do they want to? As a matter of fact, when people tell you that you have potential, you have to also ask yourself, do you want to? Is that the way that you want to spend the resources that we're talking about, right? Is that how you want to spend your time, your money, and your energy to develop this thing from potential to potenched? I think we have to ask ourselves that question and sometimes you need to have that conversation with the other person that is involved because sometimes we are wishing, hoping, waiting for them to meet a potential. Number one, they may not realize that they have, and number two that they do not have a willingness to place their resources in. So in a sense, we're sore of waiting around on nothing.
Conversations make it clear what the next steps actually are.
Your goal here within this conversation that you may have with yourself or with whoever else it is. A lover. A friend. Whoever it is that you're seeing this potential. Have that conversation and then make sure that you are listening and that you are paying attention, because they going to tell you the answer! Watch. Listen to what is actually being communicated. Number 1, they will tell you about where they believe their potential lies and whether or not they want to do it. They going to say it with their mouth but once someone professes it with their tongue you must also watch their feet. Some people will say the right things because they know that you want to be with somebody that has so much potential but you also want them to realize that potential. Which means, that you got to watch their feet because people will lie to you with their mouths all day! They will talk about what they are going to do all day but if you are not seeing them make moves toward that thing then it is very likely that the potential that you see is not in your head, because it's real, but it stays in their head because they're not ready to realize it.
Dr. Donna spills the tea!
I have been with people that I thought had great potential. I have been one of those people. I've been a potential dater, right? You date people with the potential and there's nothing wrong with that, however, I had to realize that for me I was dating so much potential that I was losing sight of the reality. The reality was that while I saw potential, this person wasn't ready to meet potential and that's okay, right!? I just had to know that for myself, exit stage left, and then choose something different, right? It's like,” Hey, I see that you have so much potential and while I'd love to be around to watch you meet that potential, I'm not under the impression that that is something that you're wanting for yourself. Do you think that it's something that you're wanting for yourself? How do you know that it's something that you're wanting for yourself? What steps will you be taking for it to become a part of your reality and not just the potential that never potenched?” These are a part of the conversations that you could have, right, with somebody? Now, I'm telling you that I have had these types of conversations with people and I was just like, “It's okay, you have potential and that's what it will be because you're not ready at this time and I am unwilling and unable to wait for you to be potenched.”
Potential and Potenched.
I know that there is a lot of rhetoric outside that is saying that you don't need to be with somebody who has potential, you have to be with someone who is already potenched. Now, if that is your requirement, make sure that you make that plain. Make sure that that is what you're seeking and make sure that what you're saying that you want is in alignment with the behaviors you have, right? For those of you who are dating people or seeking to date, or friends or are simply loving others who have potential but have not yet potenched, there's nothing wrong with you being willing to be a part of someone's journey to getting to the place where they are potenched. There's nothing wrong with you. I know there's a lot of rhetoric outside that would say that, "You are a sucker." That something is wrong with you. Everybody got something to say but everybody's NOT in your relationship. YOU are in your relationship. The relationship I'm talking about is the relationship with yourself about what you are willing, able, have time to go along with, to help with, to place your resources into. You're in a relationship with that person whether that person is a lover, friend, or family member. YOU know what you have time, space and energy to also give to them. YOU know the way that you are willing to engage with them and only YOU know whatever your cutoff is.
Do not let social media dictate to you when you should be done.
The only person that really knows that is you. You get to put in as much time as you are willing and no one can tell you that you are wrong, only what they would do instead. You can listen to what those people have to say because, you know, sometimes people got advice and it's ok to listen to advice but every piece of advice you hear is not a piece of advice you must heed.
You still ultimately have to take accountability for your life.
Make the choices for yourself and if need be change your mind, and change it again, until you get to where you're trying to be.
No one is living your life but you.
Book recommendation:
Now in this conversation about the potential and the potenched, a book came up. I personally have not read this book but it's called Relational Intelligence and it came up, the person did mention that it is kinda preachy, kind of churchy, but they said that this book helped them and how they were relating to others. That's ultimately what potential versus reality is, it's about the relation to yourself and to others and how you're going to navigate that space on the in-between.
Final thoughts…
If we are not careful, we will get used to potential and trick ourselves into believing that we are satisfied. What I mean by that is oftentimes people will tell me that they're happy or that they enjoy something etc but that's not true. What you mean to say is, you got used to it. You got used to not having. You got used to not being. You got used to not seeing and so you take what you got and you learn to be satisfied with it. While there is strength and learning to just be satisfied with the thing that is in front of your face. Do no rewrite the history to make your satisfaction your happiness. Do not rewrite history to say that the thing that you have become used to seeing, actually satisfies you, because often times it's not true. I want you to make sure that you are remembering that it is ok for you to be satisfied with what you've got and still want more. Both can be true. You can have potential, meet potential, and seek more.
All right that is all I've got today so remember: DISCOURSE NOT DISRESPECT.
I want you to hit me up in the comments, how do you navigate that space between potential and reality? I want it in all the places that you may have it in your romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, and the relationship that you have with yourself. How are you navigating between what you see as potential and what you are doing with feet to reach potential?
Alright ya'll until next time, see ya!
