Faking Orgasms: We Ain’t Got Time for That Shit

Source: https://bestlifeonline.com/things-no-spouse-wants-to-hear/

All right y'all, we are about shoulder deep in March, which is Women's History Month. And you know I got to focus on not only celebrating but helping out my Black women all day, every day, because we don't get enough positive focus on us. And while everyone is stressed out about Coronavirus aka Rona, I really wanted to talk about something that I feel is a pandemic that needs to stop. It's something that bothers me, hurts me, and makes me wonder what kind of work I and other sex therapist out here in these streets doing if this is occuring. I'm talking about...hold your breath, faking orgasms. Our fore sisters and mothers did not do the work that they did in this life, for us to be faking orgasms.

If you don't feel it, don't fake it.

That's the motto that you need to make sure that you live by as we move into the second quarter of 2020. So I'm going to say it one more time, IF YOU DON'T FEEL IT, DON'T FAKE IT. 

What does this mean for you?

This means that you are going to need to have conversations with your lovers about what your sexual pleasure needs are, what it is you would like to experience with them, and what is working and is not working for you. A lot of times these conversations don't happen because you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings, but you don’t need to worry because this can be done in ways that aren't hurtful or harmful and are actually kinda fun. I just want you to make sure that you're being truthful because the only one that suffers when you continue to lie on your coochie is you. So, let's back up and talk about how you can do this. How you can stop faking orgasms in  3 simple steps. Go ahead and whip out your notepad.

Step 1 - Masturbate

This usually is not the answer that people are expecting, but it is the one that I am giving. You need to masturbate because you will definitely know what will cause you to orgasm when you are able to give them to yourself. This will also help you be comfortable and confident in a space giving someone step by step directions on how to make it happen. So masterbate, learn your body. Here are a few of my favorite sites, if you want a little help!

Afrosexology has a great workbook called Solo Sex, get a copy here

Awesome video that has a thing or two to teach you, watch here

Step 2 - Create a body map

You can do this by using the workbook provided by the great Sisters of Afrosexology. They have a body map, where you are literally able to map out your pleasure points. You can also do this for your sexual partner (or partners). What you do is take that body outline, get some color pencils, shade in the areas that are sensitive, and write what they're sensitive to. In what areas do you like to get hickies, to be touched, to be caressed, to be licked? Whatever it is go ahead and map that bad boy out. It gives you and your partner an idea of what feels good, but  it also means there's some sexy time you need to set aside and work that needs to be done in order for you to even create the map. Put in the effort to explore each other's bodies, this doesn’t have to be sex, but at the very least, complete this pleasure map. 

--Rona got your pockets down? You can still create a pleasure map with a regular old body outline. Just create a map key :) Get a free body map outline here

3. Talk to your partner

Make sure that y'all are having conversations with pleasure maps on deck and with the knowledge of where and how to achieve your orgasms. Make it happen, Captain. Another thing that can help you in having this conversation is a yes, no, maybe list. This is a list of all the sexy, freaky deaky, nasty things that you can do that will bring forth the type of orgasms that make you scream out Jesus or God or whatever your word is.

Tools to use? Use Your Mouth Conversation cards

Yes, No, Maybe List is here and can be found at the bottom of the Communicating Sexpectations blog. 

4. Rest and repeat.

I believe that you should rest, re-evaluate, continue to discuss what you did or did not like, and of course repeat. So after you do steps 1 through 3 the hidden step, 3.5, is actually having sex and doing some of the things that are on your yes, no, maybe list.

Now, for the last, last step. I know it seems odd because I just gave you 3 steps and I told you to repeat like it was over. But, I'm gonna give you one more that you need to do once you've done all of the above, and that is…

5. Let Go

Orgasms are not the end all be all of having sex. They are not the only thing that you should be seeking, and when you put too much pressure on having an orgasm, it becomes that much more elusive. Just enjoy yourself. Enjoy your time with your partner. Enjoy the sexy time that you have set aside and allow yourself to completely and fully inhabit your love life. Be in the moment, let you mind and your body enjoy having sex and practicing masturbation.

By the way, you’ll be killing two birds with one stone because these are also mindfulness practices and mindfulness is a form of self-care. Yes, I'm telling you that masturbation and sex are a part of a self-care routine that should be a part of your daily, weekly, or however often feels good for you routine. 

So go ahead and leave those comments below. I'd like to know how you help yourself get into your sexual mood and make sure that you are not faking orgasms and shaming our ancestors.