A Mindful Mother’s Day
A letter to the grieving, the estranged, and the mothers who never left.
For many, Mother’s Day is a happy occasion. Mothers everywhere are having breakfast brought to them in bed, being gifted lotion and perfume sets, and opening cards upon cards. While some mothers are enjoying the high of seeing a million and one notifications on their social media saying “Happy Mother’s Day”, and some children are excitedly getting ready to visit their mothers in whatever state they’re in, others are spending their time a bit differently.
The Mothers We’ve Lost
When it comes to the death of a parent, there’s never really ever getting over it. When it comes to grieving a loved one, the overwhelming pain that happens at the time of loss fades with time. You move on with your life and the world keeps turning until those days come. I’m talking about birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. While most days you’re able to work, hang with friends, and maintain romantic relationships just fine, it’s when those days hit that it becomes a lot harder to manage.
For those who’ve lost their mothers, Mother’s Day acts as a constant reminder of the parent they’ll never see again. And though it may never be the kind of joyous occasion that others get to experience, there are some ways to help make it hurt less. Whether you choose to lay low or spend the day with others who care about you, planning ahead is key to maintaining your mental health around this holiday.
The Mothers We Avoid
As Black women, we’re placed under a lot of scrutinies. We’re expected to be practically invincible - strong, independent, and never needing a mental health day (or at least never admit needing one out loud.) These expectations have plagued Black women for centuries, leading us to neglect our own mental health and well-being. Combined with systemic racism and the constant trauma, we endure on a daily basis, whether it be through health disparities or deaths by police, how then are Black women to cope? What happens when they become mothers? When WE become mothers?
They become the strict mothers who hover over their children, giving them little to no autonomy to make their own decisions. They become the mothers incapable of offering emotional support when their children need it most. They become the mothers who tried to grow up too fast before they were ready. These expectations, trauma, and other adverse experiences impact the way we raise our kids - just as it did with how our mothers raised us. This isn’t to guilt-trip those who avoid their mothers on Mother’s Day (or any other day for that matter). Regardless of what our mothers went through, how we feel about our upbringing is valid. We all deserved to have been raised with love, support, and understanding. And though some of us weren’t allotted that luxury, understanding some of the things that lead us here can help to undo a lot of the harm our upbringing has caused us, prevent us from repeating the cycle, and start the journey to true healing.
The Mothers Who Never Gave Up
Life has never been easy for Black mothers. Whether it’s raising Black children in predominantly white neighborhoods or being a single parent, the burden of discussing racism, safety measures when encountering police, and the art of code-switching falls on their shoulders. This is a day to celebrate the mothers who survived through the hardships, pushed past their traumas, and refused to let the world beat them no matter how hard it tried. This can also be a day to forgive the mothers who did the best they could with what they knew, not only for them but for yourself.
There’s no correct way to deal with Mother’s Day and every feeling that comes along with it is 100% valid. For those whose mothers are alive and well and who hold a healthy and loving relationship with them, cherish the moments you have together. For those who feel mournful, or maybe even spiteful around this holiday, know that these emotions are fleeting and they won’t last forever. Use your support systems, plan ahead to help lessen the blow of this yearly occasion, and know that you will get through it.