Are You Compromised or Compromising: The Danger of Living Life as a Pick Me!
Photo by Alex Green from Pexels
Like many who follow trends and things on social media I found myself having something to say about this whole foolishness of self-proclaimed relationship expert Derrick Jaxn being unfaithful to his wife. Charlamagne’s Donkey of the Day video was far more informational and entertaining than anything he had to say, so check that out. In any case, he didn’t cheat on me so he owes me no loyalty, that was not my concern. What was alarming about this situation is who we allow to give us relationship advice and how we are vetting these people. What makes him or anyone else for that matter, credible to give advice about relationships? All we knew about him was what chose to tell, what we clearly saw was that he was living life as the man he warned women about … and then wrote a book about it and tried to sell it after all the shit hit the fan!! Really? That’s what we doing now??
As women we are conditioned from childhood to be wives and mothers. You get the dolls, the talks about how to behave, look and act so that men find you attractive and ultimately marry you. Despite your accomplishments you receive more accolades, likes, comments and hearts for announcing engagements and weddings than you get for obtaining PhDs and starting businesses, which realistically are way more work. We are taught early to wrap our identities in the approval of some man. Then some of us get one and that’s it. Everything you do is tied to how or if a man sees you. In pursuit of being chosen, you seek avenues to learn and gain information. But where do you get this information? Men, predominantly. And why not? It logically enough follows that If you do what they say, then clearly you’ll get one and he’ll pick you. The end. Life then proceeds on happily ever after.
Too many of us are conditioned to live life as a “Pick Me,” in every facet of our lives. Pick me for the promotion. Pick me to date. Pick me to love. It’s that whole Grey’s Anatomy line which people love to quote but is so entirely toxic, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” No!!! Pick yourself. Love yourself. Choose yourself. You do not need the validation of anyone other than yourself. Live life on your terms. When you spend time learning to be a pick me it plays out in life situations, especially ones in which you develop relationships. You would be amazed to know the numbers of couples that I’ve spoken with who have been engaged for years all because they are in a pick me relationship. They don’t even like each other but they don’t want to let go for fear of not being picked again. They’re in a “wish relationship”, (wrote a whole blog about it over on annodright, check it out!), wishing that the partner they have will become the partner they need. These are not the relationships that you want, they are the ones you settle for because “you got chose” like UGK says in Int’l Players Anthem.
Even beyond the disparity of the pick-me -ness … he dragged his wife out for slaughter. She wasn’t there with you while you were unfaithful, why does she need to be there for your apology. Or more importantly, why do we need to be there? In trying to save face, he just made it all so much worse. Like for real, go somewhere and shut up! You’re not helping. I don’t recall seeing any intervention on his behalf as his wife was dragged all over the internet for her appearance in this video which in reality doesn’t even matter. Should she be all glammed up? She has to relive the pain of her husband being a lying, cheating, ass all over again … is that really the moment to necessarily be concerned or worried about public appearance while private pain is now being publicized?? Whole hot mess. And yet the reason she is dragged is because now, people’s own “pick-me-ness” is showing. You didn’t get picked so you’re going to validate and justify him being an infidel because she got picked and “didn’t keep his attention.” How about he didn’t keep his vows or loyalty period? Pretty sure he was very familiar with her style and everything else prior to taking that walk down the aisle. He dragged her out there to put on this united front, he could have least said something. Seems pretty non-protector-ish to me, but that’s just my opinion.
I could go on and there is definitely more to unpack than I have presented here but you can hear more of my thoughts on The Boonie Breakdown: Don’t Be a Pick Me (Episode 171) and on the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast: Vetting Your Relationship Advice (Session 201). Listen, enjoy, subscribe. Comment here and definitely on my Facebook and IG pages. Let’s continue the conversation on the importance of picking ourselves.
