That Time You Made “The Face”: Why We Can't Accept Compliments.
It’s probably a fact, that at some point we have all struggled to accept a compliment or two. When the guy in the office who flirts with all of the ladies says “Nice hair” or when your neighbor from down the hall that never speaks says “I love your makeup.” It can translate into a million different feelings, but your face simply reads “Do not disturb” or “ Are you serious?!” Often times, you don’t mean to come off in that manner, but when someone pays you a compliment, it can make you feel some type of way. Better yet, we can barely get the words “thank you” out of our mouths. Generally speaking, a compliment is meant to express one’s admiration, but we all know that is not always the case. Compliments can be received a million different ways. However, the way you perceive the compliment, will be unique to you.
Let's think back to childhood, when most children did anything they could to receive praise or a compliment. Receiving that feedback as a child provided reassurance and validation. It told us that we were seen, loved, and special. Now, let’s fast forward to where you are today, where a compliment can be perceived as a low-key insult, disingenuous, and often have us running for the hills to escape it when we see it coming!
At times, our self-awareness informs us that compliments can make us feel uncomfortable, anxious, insecure, and bothered. However, we somehow can’t escape the natural reflex to give that “look” when we do receive one and in turn we display avoidant behavior.
You Know, But what now?
So, since you are aware that you give that “look,” have you ever questioned why? Often times our receptivity to compliments have a direct correlation with our level of self esteem. This is primarily because if our self-esteem is low, a compliment contradicts our own self-views. We consciously seek to validate how we view ourselves, whether it's positive or negative. Thus, folk with lower self-esteem may feel uncomfortable by a compliment as it conflicts with our existing belief system. This also leads us to assuming that a compliment is not genuine, and is actually intended to be an insult. This is possibly due to us getting on the defensive side, and that in itself causes us to reject the feedback automatically.
But let's be real…not receiving another compliment again in our lives wouldn’t serve us any justice and we’d really be questioning ourselves. So, to increase your receptiveness to compliments and positive feedback, try the following;
1.Take the compliment at face value, and do not question its validity. Compliments are based on the opinion of the person giving the compliment, not the receiver!
2. Begin the work of boosting your self esteem. Try practicing positive affirmations daily, which focus on specific traits or actions about you.
3. Become more aware of your body language and non-verbal communication when receiving a compliment or positive feedback(this means watch your face.) Also this can mean stopping yourself from saying my favorite o ye Black thang “I’m just tryna get like you.” It can stop you from hearing and truly receiving a compliment and get you caught up in deflection instead.
4. Identify and challenge your beliefs about yourself. Take a moment to identify who you are as an individual. Next challenge those feelings and beliefs by doing some reality testing. Reality testing is when you identify the errors in your thinking such as overgeneralization, blaming, comparison, the list goes on. Once you’ve identified the errors, you can begin to develop a more realistic thought around it by considering all outcomes and its possible affects.
Our minds are a powerful tool. Whatever we believe to be true about ourselves, is what we concentrate on, and in turn, it can manifest in reality. With that same mind power, we can change our minds for the good to be positively responsive and receptive to the opinions and thoughts that others have about us.